100 Books Like Wired for Love

Are you like me? A people pleaser? So concerned about what the other person is feeling that I’m not even aware of my own feelings? Then this book is for you. Don’t be put off by the awkward title; it’s not about high-IQ kids. The drama is the way children must hide their true selves to please their parents; the gift is the ability to suppress our own needs.

Miller writes, “There are many children who have not been free, right from the beginning, to experience the very simplest of feelings, such as discontent, anger, rage, pain, even hunger—and, of course, the enjoyment of their own bodies.”

I feel that! Miller explains how therapy can help us confront and heal from that rage and pain. I get mad and cry every time I reread this book.  

In my younger days, I fell in love all the time but never stayed in love. After a few months, the thrill was gone, and I just didn’t love the person anymore. My research showed that I was enthralled by dopamine, the brain chemical that makes us want stuff, but unable to transition to an oxytocin connection, the stage of true bonding.

This book explains the trap of dopamine: It drives us to desire and work to get a reward, but once we get it, dopamine drops and that reward no longer seems rewarding. It solves the puzzle of why romance fades but also why nothing—food, money, success—ever seems like enough. As well as the science, there’s plenty of useful advice for getting off that dopamine treadmill to find day-to-day appreciation of what we already have.  

I fell into and out of love all the time. It just never worked for me. It turns out that falling in love and loving are not the same. According to Helen Fisher, lust, romantic love, and long-term committed love are different states. She scanned the brains of people in love to find out which regions were active when someone was madly in love and mapped that state to brain chemicals. Romantic love, she found, is literally an addiction, activating the same brain systems and chemicals as opioids. I was hooked on romance, falling into it over and over instead of moving to the stage of deep and long-lasting love.

Fisher explains the role of three brain chemicals in lust, romantic, and committed love: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Understanding what’s going on in my brain in romantic love helped me look beyond that crazy feeling to find a deep connection.

When I began researching love, one concept that blew me away was attachment styles: the theory that how our parents show us love—or don’t—determines how we love others. I learned that my style was to avoid intimacy; it was too scary. Understanding my style and my partner’s lets me begin to respond to him in ways that he needs instead of the way that feels natural to me.

This book explains how each of us is wired for relationships and how we can get past our unconscious needs to give partners love the way they need it. It includes little scenarios that helped me understand how our styles play out and made the book fun to read. It offers principles that codify the couple's relationship and exercises for couples to do together. 

I love how honest David Brooks is about his own challenges with opening up to people and really leaving them feeling seen and heard. As he reviewed many of his own inadequacies, it allowed me to review the ways in which I might be falling short of my own ideals to leave each person I meet feeling seen and heard.

Since I teach people how to do this in my own workshops, I was constantly able to add David’s insights to my own. 

Written by a well-known sleep and dream scientist, this book provides a comprehensive introduction to the neuroscience of sleep and dreams. In addition to covering a wide range of neuroscientific ideas and discoveries, this well-organized and easy to follow book discusses many of these sleep and dream-related findings within larger social as well as evolutionary contexts. The end result is a stimulating and enriching take on our current understanding of the science of sleep and dreams.

I’ve been fascinated by all living organisms since my early childhood on Long Island. In our suburban yard, I would sit raptured, watching the hunting techniques of praying mantises, the burrowing ability of earthworms, or the seemingly drunk behavior of cedar waxwings after feasting on over-ripe berries. But I never fully appreciated the intricacies of animal behavior until I read this book. 

What Ed Yong masterfully achieves in this 400-page text is neither a Disney-like humanizing of other species nor an overly scientific explanation of how creatures respond to their environment. Rather, he brings us to a place where we are no longer perceiving other organisms through human eyes but through their own complex senses. 

This greatly increased my fascination with the natural world and, consequently, my need to preserve every precious species on this earth.

V. S. Ramachandran is a gifted experimentalist and writer who does not hesitate to pursue deep and important questions about our minds. Rather than employing expensive imaging or large sample sizes, he is more likely to use a cardboard box, an old stereopticon, or a rubber hand in his experiments. 

His creativity in finding concrete ways to test seemingly vague but interesting claims about our minds has led to several breakthroughs, in our understanding of phantom limbs and our ability to treat phantom pain, and also in our study of synesthesia—cases in which people see numbers as having colors, for example.

As I can attest, he is able to transmit to his students the idea that pursuing scientific questions can be thrilling, fulfilling, and so much fun that you can’t wait to get to work in the morning.

The Tale of the Dueling Neurosurgeons is a fun, engaging, and well-written introduction to your brain and some of the most interesting characters in the history of neuroscience.

Sam Kean is an excellent science writer—the type who draws you in so much with his storytelling that you forget you’re actually learning something. By the end of this book, you’ll know more about how the brain works, but perhaps better yet you’ll have enjoyed an array of colorful historical tales that explain how our knowledge of the brain has advanced over the years.

Dr. Fishbane is a clinical psychologist and couple therapist, and one of the most important clinical theorists in our field. 

She spent years amassing the emerging research on the social determinants of brain development and developed a practical approach to what she calls “neuroeducation” for couples – helping partners understand the neurophysiological underpinnings and effects of marital conflict, how partners regulate each other’s emotions, and how to manage one’s negative arousal to engage in loving, compassionate relationships. 

Although written for therapists, it is highly engaging and accessible for the general reader who seeks to understand why they become so distressed during conflict with their partners and how to manage their arousal for better communication.