All my life, I struggled to connect with people, but love and friendship evaded me. I constantly hurt others. Relationships were like a language I couldn’t understand. When people loved me, I knew that they were mistaken, because I was unlovable. Then, a neuroscientist told me something that changed my life: The way we connect with others—the oxytocin response—is wired into our brains in the first few years of life, before we can form conscious memories. That set me on the path of studying the neuroscience of love and connection. And I learned something amazing: I could change that wiring and learn to love.
I wrote...
The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy, and Love
Are you like me? A people pleaser? So concerned about what the other person is feeling that I’m not even aware of my own feelings? Then this book is for you. Don’t be put off by the awkward title; it’s not about high-IQ kids. The drama is the way children must hide their true selves to please their parents; the gift is the ability to suppress our own needs.
Miller writes, “There are many children who have not been free, right from the beginning, to experience the very simplest of feelings, such as discontent, anger, rage, pain, even hunger—and, of course, the enjoyment of their own bodies.”
I feel that! Miller explains how therapy can help us confront and heal from that rage and pain. I get mad and cry every time I reread this book.
Why are many of the most successful people plagued by feelings of emptiness and alienation? This wise and profound book has provided thousands of readers with an answer,and has helped them to apply it to their own lives.Far too many of us had to learn as children to hide our own feelings, needs, and memories skillfully in order to meet our parents' expectations and win their "love." Alice Miller writes, "When I used the word 'gifted' in the title, I had in mind neither children who receive high grades in school nor children talented in a special way. I simply…
When I began researching love, one concept that blew me away was attachment styles: the theory that how our parents show us love—or don’t—determines how we love others. I learned that my style was to avoid intimacy; it was too scary. Understanding my style and my partner’s lets me begin to respond to him in ways that he needs instead of the way that feels natural to me.
This book explains how each of us is wired for relationships and how we can get past our unconscious needs to give partners love the way they need it. It includes little scenarios that helped me understand how our styles play out and made the book fun to read. It offers principles that codify the couple's relationship and exercises for couples to do together.
With more than 170,000 copies sold, Wired for Love is the complete "insider's guide" to understanding your partner's brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing new research drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this highly anticipated second edition presents the ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship. This fully revised and updated edition includes new guidance on how to manage disagreements, as well as new exercises to help readers create safety and security, establish healthy conflict ground rules, and deal with the threat of the third-any outside source which threatens the harmony…
When I was researching oxytocin, I traveled to Chicago and met John Cacioppo, a scientist who showed how loneliness affects our bodies and brains. So, I was intrigued to find this book by his wife, written after he died, that’s both science and a memoir of their marriage. A social neuroscientist, Stephanie Cacioppo explains why love is a biological necessity.
Love activates 12 specific brain regions, while desire has its own complementary brain circuits. Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin come in for discussion, but this book focuses mainly on the activities of our brains, with surprising info, for example, that thinking about a loved one improves our cognitive ability. The combo of the personal and the scientific, along with research studies, makes for a good read.
From the world’s foremost neuroscientist of romantic love comes a personal story of connection and heartbreak that brings new understanding to an old truth: better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
At thirty-seven, Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo was content to be single. She was fulfilled by her work on the neuroscience of romantic love―how finding and growing with a partner literally reshapes our brains. That was, until she met the foremost neuroscientist of loneliness. A whirlwind romance led to marriage and to sharing an office at the University of Chicago. After seven years of being…
In my younger days, I fell in love all the time but never stayed in love. After a few months, the thrill was gone, and I just didn’t love the person anymore. My research showed that I was enthralled by dopamine, the brain chemical that makes us want stuff, but unable to transition to an oxytocin connection, the stage of true bonding.
This book explains the trap of dopamine: It drives us to desire and work to get a reward, but once we get it, dopamine drops and that reward no longer seems rewarding. It solves the puzzle of why romance fades but also why nothing—food, money, success—ever seems like enough. As well as the science, there’s plenty of useful advice for getting off that dopamine treadmill to find day-to-day appreciation of what we already have.
I fell into and out of love all the time. It just never worked for me. It turns out that falling in love and loving are not the same. According to Helen Fisher, lust, romantic love, and long-term committed love are different states. She scanned the brains of people in love to find out which regions were active when someone was madly in love and mapped that state to brain chemicals. Romantic love, she found, is literally an addiction, activating the same brain systems and chemicals as opioids. I was hooked on romance, falling into it over and over instead of moving to the stage of deep and long-lasting love.
Fisher explains the role of three brain chemicals in lust, romantic, and committed love: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Understanding what’s going on in my brain in romantic love helped me look beyond that crazy feeling to find a deep connection.
A groundbreaking exploration of our most complex and mysterious emotion
Elation, mood swings, sleeplessness, and obsession—these are the tell-tale signs of someone in the throes of romantic passion. In this revealing new book, renowned anthropologist Helen Fisher explains why this experience—which cuts across time, geography, and gender—is a force as powerful as the need for food or sleep.
Why We Love begins by presenting the results of a scientific study in which Fisher scanned the brains of people who had just fallen madly in love. She proves, at last, what researchers had only suspected: when you fall in love, primordial…
How love is supposed to work: When you make love, cuddle, or talk with close friends, a powerful brain chemical called oxytocin floods your body with feelings of contentment and trust. This oxytocin response is responsible for human bonding in both intimate and platonic relationships. But we’re not born with the oxytocin response: We’re not born knowing how to love.
We learn from the way our parents love us—or don’t. If we don’t get the right nurturing, we may struggle to connect throughout life. But there’s good news. We can retrain our oxytocin response and learn to love at any age. This book explains the oxytocin response and tells you how to reshape it to get the love and connection we all need.
