Books like Why We Love — picked by fans

Dr. Emily Nagoski's approach to understanding the intricacies of human sexuality is not only refreshing but also deeply insightful and relatable. This book doesn't just scratch the surface; it delves into the complexities of desire, arousal, and satisfaction with unparalleled clarity.

What sets it apart is Nagoski's ability to distill complex scientific research into practical, accessible guidance for couples. The messages are simple (although scientifically sound). 

I've seen this book empowering individuals to embrace their unique sexual selves and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection with their partners. It's a must-read for anyone seeking to enhance intimacy and revitalize their sex life.

Are you like me? A people pleaser? So concerned about what the other person is feeling that I’m not even aware of my own feelings? Then this book is for you. Don’t be put off by the awkward title; it’s not about high-IQ kids. The drama is the way children must hide their true selves to please their parents; the gift is the ability to suppress our own needs.

Miller writes, “There are many children who have not been free, right from the beginning, to experience the very simplest of feelings, such as discontent, anger, rage, pain, even hunger—and, of course, the enjoyment of their own bodies.”

I feel that! Miller explains how therapy can help us confront and heal from that rage and pain. I get mad and cry every time I reread this book.  

In my younger days, I fell in love all the time but never stayed in love. After a few months, the thrill was gone, and I just didn’t love the person anymore. My research showed that I was enthralled by dopamine, the brain chemical that makes us want stuff, but unable to transition to an oxytocin connection, the stage of true bonding.

This book explains the trap of dopamine: It drives us to desire and work to get a reward, but once we get it, dopamine drops and that reward no longer seems rewarding. It solves the puzzle of why romance fades but also why nothing—food, money, success—ever seems like enough. As well as the science, there’s plenty of useful advice for getting off that dopamine treadmill to find day-to-day appreciation of what we already have.  

While some aspects of our sexuality are innate, many are born through pivotal sexual experiences in our lives. This book breaks this down and encourages readers to unpack where their sexual desires came from so they can remove shame and have healthy sexual relationships. 

It encouraged me to be introspective about the root of my desires. For so long, I had steered clear of this. I believed that feeling the need to understand the origin of our desires was coming from a place of sex-negativity, an attempt to “justify” our current sexual behavior, which I don’t think requires justification. 

But after reading Morin’s book, I felt I understood my sexual desires better than ever before, and it led to me having more meaningful, passionate, and wild sex.

As I discussed, fantasy is a powerful engine of sexual arousal. And these days most men (and increasingly women) are stimulating their sexual imaginations with porn.

There’s nothing wrong with “ethical” porn in my book (think of it as the erotic equivalent of fair-trade coffee), but sometimes it’s nice to go old-school and just read something erotic. There is no better editor than Rachel Kramer Bussell who has consistently bringing the best literary erotica to our attention for nearly 20 years. This is just one of many volumes of erotica appealing to all tastes and temperaments. 

In her compelling book, Elisabeth Lloyd examines whether or not the female orgasm is an evolutionary adaptation resulting from the process of natural selection, or rather an evolutional by-product – like male nipples.

Ms. Lloyd examines twenty-one theories that seek to promote the female orgasm as an adaptation – from the role of orgasm in helping to facilitate the pair-bonding process to upsucking and sperm-competition – and finds each and every one of them lacking.

As a sex therapist I receive emails daily from women who are unable to achieve orgasm via intercourse and wonder, "What can I do to change this? What's wrong with me?" Well if we stop thinking of female and male orgasms as something that "naturally" should result from intercourse, we can liberate both men and women from the oppressive intercourse-discourse (a belief that there's a right way to have orgasms, and simultaneous ones at that).

When I was researching oxytocin, I traveled to Chicago and met John Cacioppo, a scientist who showed how loneliness affects our bodies and brains. So, I was intrigued to find this book by his wife, written after he died, that’s both science and a memoir of their marriage. A social neuroscientist, Stephanie Cacioppo explains why love is a biological necessity.

Love activates 12 specific brain regions, while desire has its own complementary brain circuits. Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin come in for discussion, but this book focuses mainly on the activities of our brains, with surprising info, for example, that thinking about a loved one improves our cognitive ability. The combo of the personal and the scientific, along with research studies, makes for a good read. 

When I began researching love, one concept that blew me away was attachment styles: the theory that how our parents show us love—or don’t—determines how we love others. I learned that my style was to avoid intimacy; it was too scary. Understanding my style and my partner’s lets me begin to respond to him in ways that he needs instead of the way that feels natural to me.

This book explains how each of us is wired for relationships and how we can get past our unconscious needs to give partners love the way they need it. It includes little scenarios that helped me understand how our styles play out and made the book fun to read. It offers principles that codify the couple's relationship and exercises for couples to do together. 

Wow, it is nearly impossible to choose just one of my faves from Holly Black’s faerie stories. They are all amazing! Seriously…. Every. Last. One. But what grabbed me with this book was the way it started. This story has an eerie feel to it from the very first page. I love how Holly weaves reality into her fantasy and the way the Fae are already known and accepted in their world, but also feared (because hello, they’re Fae!). There's everything in this story, romance, adventure, and coming-of-age badassery, which again bodes well if you ever find yourself face to face with the Faire Folk.

A great beach-read story about a father who keeps trying to marry off his daughter.

Ella is spunky, with a mind of her own, and determined to find her own husband. She posts an ad of her own looking for a perfect lover, not a husband. What she gets is a bad boy who has lots of experience but is running from his past. The man is hot and utterly perfect. When these two get together, the sparks ignite!

It’s witty, funny, and a great read. I loved it!