83 Books Like Come as You Are

Meadows, a pioneer in this arena, had an extraordinary gift for making complex systems thinking accessible without dumbing it down.

She left us all too soon. I do return to this book, especially her concept of "leverage points": places within systems where small shifts create disproportionate change. Her insight that changing paradigms proves more powerful than adjusting surface parameters directly informed my research on organizational edges.

What I treasure most is how she wrote with both rigour and humility. She acknowledged that systems are messy, that we can't predict everything, that unintended consequences are inevitable; yet she shows us how to work with complexity rather than against it.

When I'm helping organizations navigate transformation, her frameworks help me identify where to intervene for maximum impact. The chapter on system traps and opportunities has probably saved me from dozens of well-intentioned but ultimately counterproductive interventions.

This is the book I gift… show more.

I often think that so many problems in the world could be solved with better communication. More and more we stick with people who think like us, because the challenge of bridging ideological gaps seems too great.

So, how to talk to people who have values that are in opposition to yours? How can you connect with people whose experiences have given them a life that you can’t relate to? In On Dialogue, David Bohm gives us a way to tear apart the fear and hesitation of the no-man’s land between ourselves and people we don’t understand.

There are always people with whom we don’t know how to communicate. We can’t let that stop us from trying. Bohm’s book will give you the tools to do just that.

We are all going to lose someone we love. We are all going to go through the pain of people we care about dying. We are all going to contemplate our mortality at some point and wonder if what we’re doing has much of a point, if we could do better, and if we could make life a little less painful somehow.

Keisha Blair lost her husband when they were both in their thirties, when their son was 8 weeks old. She shares what she learned about building from that wreckage in Holistic Wealth. The book puts the pain of loss front and center, and then offers insights from stories and interviews on how to take care of our money, our relationships, and our spirituality, and thus ourselves.

Most people, I think, when they start to understand the world better, they start to see the endless ways that it could be improved. Some of us though, we get stuck in the ideas of improvement, and never figure out how to just get on with it.

Amartya Sen won a Nobel Prize and has other thought-provoking books. But I like this one. The Country of First Boys is a series of essays that are technically about various issues in India, but which are easily extrapolated to depressingly common situations in most other countries. Central to the essays is the theme of not letting the idea of a perfectly just society get in the way of the business of reducing injustice. We can debate utopia until we take our last breath, but in the meantime, Sen inspires us that there is much we can do now to improve the world… show more.

I like Gottman’s scientific approach. I also liked his honesty about the challenges couples have to handle personal criticism without becoming defensive—the fact that most couples,  despite his workshop, nevertheless fail to do this when they get home.

That is, when they get home and the criticism appears, the wisdom disappears! This book helped launch my own personal efforts in my couples’ workshops to find a solution to this problem. 

I love Esther Perel’s boldness and willingness to help me and people in my workshops feel compassionate toward ourselves as we see the sexual passion in our relationships diminish over time.

Understanding that a good, caring, peaceful relationship is nevertheless like captivity, and sexual desire and passion do not flourish in “captivity,” and permitting myself to be more sexually adventurous at least in my fantasies, has offered a dimension of liberation. I find this one of the most liberating and original books on relationships I have ever read.

This book expanded my thinking and provided a fresh perspective, reminding me of why I became interested in this important topic years ago and continue to be fascinated by the complexity and nuances of cross-cultural communication.

Now, more than ever, we are all interconnected through advances in technology that bring us closer together. We are working increasingly with a global workforce that inherently comes with very different backgrounds, languages, histories, foods, music, religions, social norms, customs, traditions, and values.

We need to grow our understanding of people from cultures different from our own and Erin's book is a complimentary contribution to this body of knowledge; it is not duplicative but singularly unique and a refreshing read.

While some aspects of our sexuality are innate, many are born through pivotal sexual experiences in our lives. This book breaks this down and encourages readers to unpack where their sexual desires came from so they can remove shame and have healthy sexual relationships. 

It encouraged me to be introspective about the root of my desires. For so long, I had steered clear of this. I believed that feeling the need to understand the origin of our desires was coming from a place of sex-negativity, an attempt to “justify” our current sexual behavior, which I don’t think requires justification. 

But after reading Morin’s book, I felt I understood my sexual desires better than ever before, and it led to me having more meaningful, passionate, and wild sex.

As I discussed, fantasy is a powerful engine of sexual arousal. And these days most men (and increasingly women) are stimulating their sexual imaginations with porn.

There’s nothing wrong with “ethical” porn in my book (think of it as the erotic equivalent of fair-trade coffee), but sometimes it’s nice to go old-school and just read something erotic. There is no better editor than Rachel Kramer Bussell who has consistently bringing the best literary erotica to our attention for nearly 20 years. This is just one of many volumes of erotica appealing to all tastes and temperaments. 

I fell into and out of love all the time. It just never worked for me. It turns out that falling in love and loving are not the same. According to Helen Fisher, lust, romantic love, and long-term committed love are different states. She scanned the brains of people in love to find out which regions were active when someone was madly in love and mapped that state to brain chemicals. Romantic love, she found, is literally an addiction, activating the same brain systems and chemicals as opioids. I was hooked on romance, falling into it over and over instead of moving to the stage of deep and long-lasting love.

Fisher explains the role of three brain chemicals in lust, romantic, and committed love: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Understanding what’s going on in my brain in romantic love helped me look beyond that crazy feeling to find a deep connection.