The best books on becoming a memorable connector

This book speaks to a core belief of mine–that we are all connected to each other by just a slight degree of separation. I appreciated how Burkus describes how networks of friends can be powerful even when we don’t know someone directly.

Reading the book provided an “ah-ha” moment as I realized that even old ties (dormant relationships) can provide key introductions. When I was leaving Texas to move to New York City, I wrote on the inside jacket of the book’s cover a list of people I once knew in New York who could help me start over in a brand new place. That list—and those contacts—proved invaluable in building my new life.

I have told countless people about this book; it is one of the most life-changing books I’ve ever read. Bob Beaudine offers a dramatic idea: that each of us is given 15 “who”—people who can profoundly change the course of our lives.

Our “who” consists of 12 friends, 3 close friends, and one best friend who help us achieve our goals and dreams. Each of these people has a sphere of influence and can introduce us to them. Since reading this book, I have paid much closer attention to my “who” and how to stay actively involved with them.

Whenever I need to focus on what’s most important, I remind myself to prioritize the time I devote to interacting with my “who”.

When I read this book, the lightbulb went off. I have been in so many situations where I didn’t feel heard, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

Sorenson explains that truly being connected happens only when we are validated. I never realized that almost every conversation we have is a bid for validation. We are asking others not just to hear us but also to “say something.”

The response can either be positive or engaged—a turning towards us—OR negative or passive—a turning away from us. I couldn’t have put it into these exact words, but I now know that being understood is one of the greatest of human needs and is often unmet. The book underscores that connections happen best through validation. 

“Help, I don’t know anyone” was the refrain that played over and over in my head when I moved to New York City after 30 years in Texas. Susan McPherson’s book came to my rescue. Challenging me to think about the experience and expertise I have, the book encouraged me to make connections based on how I could help others. “Make it about them,” McPherson emphasizes. “Understand their world and their circumstances and what you can offer.”

While it took soul searching, I did find ways to benefit others, from initiating introductions, to understanding challenges and finding a means to help, and taking responsibility for keeping relationships moving forward. McPherson is 100% right that connecting is a learned skill. Her book is the perfect primer. 

As a formerly shy person, I always dreaded walking into a room of people I didn’t know. Even after I became more comfortable in my own skin with age, I still psych myself up to enter a gathering of strangers. Michelle Lederman’s book offered me many practical and tactical skills for not only overcoming those natural fears but also thriving in social situations.

She describes being a connector as a way of thinking. All that’s required, Lederman emphasizes, is being open to new experiences. This approach has helped transform my dread and reduce my anxiety when meeting new people. The rewards of being a connector are many, according to Lederman, including fast-tracking the fulfillment of your goals. I completely agree that the first step is to believe in yourself.