Books like You Can't Say You Can't Play

Are you like me? A people pleaser? So concerned about what the other person is feeling that I’m not even aware of my own feelings? Then this book is for you. Don’t be put off by the awkward title; it’s not about high-IQ kids. The drama is the way children must hide their true selves to please their parents; the gift is the ability to suppress our own needs.

Miller writes, “There are many children who have not been free, right from the beginning, to experience the very simplest of feelings, such as discontent, anger, rage, pain, even hunger—and, of course, the enjoyment of their own bodies.”

I feel that! Miller explains how therapy can help us confront and heal from that rage and pain. I get mad and cry every time I reread this book.  

If you have read a parenting book or taken a parenting course in the last sixty years, chances are you have been influenced by the wisdom of Haim Ginott, even if you didn’t realize it.

He and his students, including the authors of How to Talk So Children Will Listen, set the groundwork for what is known today as connection parenting, conscious parenting, gentle parenting, playful parenting, and authoritative (but not authoritarian) parenting.

When my mom passed away and I looked through her books, I saw she had a first edition of Between Parent and Child, first published when I was a young boy.

When I read it, I felt a strong flash of recognition about the way she raised me. Ginott gets children, and he gets parents.

Korczak was a pediatrician, an educator, a champion of children’s rights, the director of orphanages, and much more.

He said, “A child has a right to grief, even if it is for the loss of a pebble.” And he knew about grief.

He cared for orphans in the Warsaw Ghetto, and he accompanied the children to a concentration camp, even though he was offered the chance to escape.

He said, “They children will be scared without me there with them.” He marched with them to the train, carrying a green flag, which was the symbol of his beloved character King Matt, a child king who tried to unite all the children of the world in peace.

He did not survive, but we are very lucky to have his writings. He is my biggest hero, and my biggest inspiration.

I read every Nicholson Baker book as soon as it arrives, and not just because I knew him before he published his first short story.

My favorite novels of his explore what it is to be a thinking (and sometimes, overthinking) human being.

In The Everlasting Story of Nory, he applies his wit and wisdom to the mind of a nine-year-old girl, and he captures beautifully what that time of life is like.

This little book from 1973 made me realize I wrongly believed that all technological advancement was progress. Why should it be? With every invention that promises to make life easier, ask this question, says Illich: "Will this make me a more independent, capable human being? Or will human qualities be made obsolete?"

In the Middle Ages, people built cathedrals without burning fuel. We have since lost this ability. Is that progress? Ivan Illich introduces the concept of radical monopolies: industrial processes that make non-industrial activities impossible. "Cars can [...] monopolize traffic [...] practically ruling out locomotion on foot or by bicycle in Los Angeles." Likewise, funeral systems rule out the possibility of burying a loved one ourselves.

Illich is a radical philosopher of thin books, best read slowly.

Set in the 19th century New England social landscape of transcendentalist educational trends, this is an important book about women, misogyny, education, and ‘western’ medicine. The landscape here is a farmhouse outside a New England village where the patriarch social philosopher and teacher has started a school for girls following the death of his wife. His grown daughter is his helper, and you see where I’m going with this…also his prisoner. She is vulnerable by her sensitive nature and by her lack of worldly education. When other girls come to board at the new school and other teachers, men, arrive to practice the educational theories they have developed in a fervor of advancing just how women’s education should evolve, the young women respond variously to these new influences. The remote landscape, again, keeps them from freedoms that might improve their awareness. There are also magical trees, birds, and a… show more.

This book gets to the DNA of what young children need: the time and the ability to think freely away from the electronic screens that try to dominate their lives.

I was constantly reminded of the herculean efforts of my children in getting their kids, my grandkids, outside to play and away from their iPads, video games, and TVs.

Absolutely thought-provoking. Lots of shudders. Real chills. Famous fairy tales like Jack and the Beanstalk, Cinderella, and Goldilocks are wild, dark, and grim. I was haunted long after I closed the book. If it’s true that fairy tales are embedded in our subconscious minds, these stories pretty much ripped the darkness up so that I was cringing.

Some of it went a bit far into madness and disturbing, but the reach struck me as highly inventive. Macabre, yes indeedy. I actually don’t read this level of horror, but the experience of these extreme fairy tales was a new adventure. Blazing. This is a one-of-a-kind adult fairy tale book, for sure. 

Patricia Wrede’s Dealing With Dragons empowered me to subvert societal roles which are not to my preference.

The fact Princess Cimorene could eschew her given position and become a dragon’s princess, rather than princess to a prince, was incredibly novel. At the time, it was as surprising as the future reveal, eleven years later, of Fiona to Shrek.

Cimorene’s characteristics of being immensely capable and clever, with a refusal to suffer fools, are qualities I continue to admire and aim to cultivate within myself. 

This book's heightened literary consciousness suggests a lifetime of practice, but it is, in fact, Gwendolyn Kiste's debut (she has quickly become one of contemporary dark fiction’s most celebrated, leading figures). Throughout Untether, the author examines both societal and individual forms of suffering (e.g. depression, dissociation, and the dangers of socially imposed normativities). My favorite piece is “Skin Like Honey and Lace,” which depicts a group of women who achieve social induction by taking skin from strangers and applying it to their own bodies. A staggeringly accomplished collection.