The best books on relationships that go beyond the obvious

This is a book I literally could not put down—I read it voraciously over just a few days to the exclusion of everything except my most pressing obligations. I ran the gamut of emotions while reading it—sadness, fear, anger, and, ultimately, joy and hope.

Andy’s fierce, gripping, intimate, and refreshingly honest memoir helped me truly understand what it takes to come to grips with mental illness (in his case, bipolar disorder) and the crucial role his most important relationships played (and play to this day) in successfully living with his condition. 

This is one of my all-time favorites; I’ve read it multiple times at different points in my life. It has been especially helpful in learning that when one door closes in relationships, another one opens (as with my divorce). 

The idea of a “neutral zone” between endings and new beginnings helped me take my time and ask myself, “What is waiting to happen in my life now?”  Finally, this book helped me launch out anew with a sense of hope and renewal, as when I got remarried.

Other transitions it has helped me through are the loss of relationships when I changed jobs and the opportunity to connect with my kids in a whole new way once they became adults

When I read this book, I thought, “This book was written for me!”

The very idea that my obsessive-compulsive perfectionist tendencies (which I had always believed helped me achieve all that I had) were the source of much of my unhappiness was provocative. Confronting the cost I was paying, particularly in my relationships, by expecting perfection (from myself AND from others) was downright transformative.

What the author describes as “active acceptance” of our own and others’ flaws as a crucial step in realizing the potential of all relationships was a huge personal insight. I also loved learning that the alternative to being a “Perfectionist” is to be an “Optimist” and that becoming the latter is the key to both personal and professional success and happiness.

I found Tannen’s insights eye-opening as the roots of many misunderstandings became clear to me. For example, the distance that resulted when I was looking for the “gift of understanding” while my husband was giving me the “gift of advice.”

It is easy to dismiss Tannen’s work as dated or too stereotypical. I disagree. I find its real value is acknowledging that some people are wired differently than others. Recognizing this difference in “wiring” can then be surfaced, discussed, and addressed. That, in turn, is enormously powerful in helping us build stronger relationships—that has certainly been true for me!

As an aside, I especially enjoyed the many, many examples, which were at times humorous enough to make me laugh out loud. 

I learned about mental models (our beliefs and assumptions) decades ago, and it changed my life since I had never really examined how my mental models informed absolutely everything I did. I subsequently had the great fortune to come across Carol Dweck’s work while I was still teaching at the Stanford Business School, and learning about growth and fixed mindsets was a further game changer.

I especially appreciated coming to understand how mindsets impact relationships. For example, a growth mindset views relationships as something to work at and people as capable of changing, while a fixed mindset views relationships as either “meant to be” or not and people (and therefore relationships) as incapable of changing.